Caroline
Here's to hoping that the kids have hearing problems...
Her Marc Jacobs luggage is packed, her first class ticket booked, and Paris Hilton is gearing up for her trip to Rwanda, where she will do a 5-day charity mission with the Playing for Good organization. Because no one spreads STDs good the way Paris does. Ok Magazine reports:
Paris’ five-day trek to the African country, where she will visit clinics and schools, will be filmed with the hopes of selling it as a reality show titled The Philanthropist.
I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that Paris is going to be speaking to impressionable young children, or that we may be subjected to it on television. “What’s up children of Africa! I’m here to talk to you about stuff, super fun stuff! Little dogs are super cute and they will totally fit into your Luis Vuitton bag, so ask your parents for one, kay?? Also, when you grow up don’t ever have sex with Rick Salomon if there’s a videotape nearby, that’s really important to remember. Hmm, what else? The Halloween party at Pure is going to be so hot, you should totally ask your parents if you can go. Wait, are there direct flights to Vegas? Try not to sit in coach, it smells bad! Wheeeee! I’m doing good! Byeeee!”
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Guy
Oldest play in the book-- The Rolex Copycat
OJ Simpson has seemingly got off easy once again. Three days after being told to give his Rolex watch to the Goldmans to pay for the civil suit the Rolex was returned to him. Reuters reports that the timepiece was a fake from China worth appraised for about $100.
Now I know a judge said OJ killed their son, but the Goldmans are starting to seem like petty assholes. They’ve basically got him by his ankles and are shaking him to see what falls out. A fake Rolex? Who’s more embarrassed? I say if they ever want their money they should make sure OJ is free to rob more Vegas hotels. Then and only then will there be justice.
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Zubobo
Wedding Night Soon At A Video Store Near You
It looks like Pamela Anderson may be getting married for the third time. According to the Clark County Marriage License Bureau, she and boyfriend Rick Salomon applied for a marriage license in Las Vegas.
“But,” you say, “who’s this Rick Salomon dude, and does he really come with the sort of bottom feeder credentials to merit following in the hallowed footsteps of Tommy Lee and Kid Rock? Relax, kiddies. Her lover boy shot to fame with his subtle understated performance opposite then-girlfriend Paris Hilton in the classic “One Night in Paris.” Nuff said.
Of course, Pammy knows her way around a bedroom camera, too, if you remember. In fact, eyewitnesses report that as soon as they were granted their marriage license the couple ran out to buy extra camcorder batteries. If you want to shop for a wedding present, they’re registered at Circuit City.
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Caroline
The not-so-shocking confessions of Tony Barretto
Tony Barretto, the “secret witness” in the recent Spears/Federline custody hearing that ordered Spears to attend parenting classes and adhere to random drug testing, is coming forward with stories of erratic behavior, alleged drugging, and well, just more bizarre behavior. After being fired last May for failing to pick up Brit’s hat after she supposedly asked him to three times (he suffers from a mild loss of hearing), he swears his motivation for speaking out is not to get revenge. He is legitimately worried about the safety of the fallen pop star’s two small boys. According to the Daily Mail, “Fat Tony” was quoted as saying:
“She’s unpredictable. No one knows what she’ll do next. That’s what scared me. I don’t know what caused her screaming, whether it was drugs or mental instability. She’d be wailing, making no sense. It was worse at night.”
I can only imagine how Jayden and Sean feel, I mean this even makes me a little scared and I will never come withing 500 miles of the girl. Whether she’s skipping kid birthdays to party in Vegas, giving her 1-year old driving lessons in downtown LA, or taking qualudes before hopping on stage for VMA comeback performaces, I think everyone can agree that ms. Spears is not fit to raise a pet turtle, let alone two children. Thanks to Tony the deaf bodyguard for knocking some sense into this Los Angeles Judge. But let’s be honest, if she can’t bend down and pick up her own effing hat, the instructors over there at parenting school better be amazing miracle workers.
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Guy
Loveable until proven guilty
Sunday, OJ was arrested in Las Vegas after getting  in trouble with “The Man.” The Associated Press is reporting that the former athlete and future novelist attempted to rob items that used to belong to him including a photo of him with J. Edgar Hoover.
Now to be fair, OJ hasn’t actually been proven guilty of anything other than stealing our hearts. I think it’s time we just stop doubting him and enjoy his entirely fictional books, “If I did it,” “If I did that too,” and “If I used to kick the shit out of my children because I loved them.” I smell Pulitzer.
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