K-Fed Retains Custody

You thought it couldn’t get worse, but you were so so wrong. You thought when she lost her kids last week, she would put down that jr. bacon cheeseburger, burp, swallow and say “oh crap! I better get my kids back, y’all!” There was no such revelation. TMZ was there at the scene of today’s cutody hearing and that’s unfortunately more than we can say for Brit. TMZ reports: 

“K-Fed showed up in court. Brit wasn’t there. We just got a shot of Spears gassing up her SUV at a Shell gas station in the San Fernando Valley…[she] took her dog for a ride to get coffee.”

I hate to say it, but Kevin Federline might be this year’s most brilliant mastermind. We used to make so much fun of him with his bastard children, corn rows, and terrible rap debuts. Now he’s become the Celebrity Father of the Year. Which honestly isn’t hard to do when mommy’s a brainless baboon just passing time until her next Carl’s Jr. feeding.

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Britney Spears Loses Custody Fight

Britney Spears was ordered Monday by a judge to turn over her kids to ex-hubby Kevin Federline. Which brings up all sorts of legal questions, the most important being: How big a screw-up do you have to be to make Federline look like the responsible adult?

I feel sorry for the kids. This will throw their little worlds completely off balance– getting used to a new house, sleeping in a new bed, eating food that doesn’t come with the instructions “tear plastic.”

But give her credit. She was trying hard with those kids. How many other busy celebrity moms have taken the time to teach their kid how to drive? She was also serious about their education. “A is for Appletini, B is for Bacardi…”

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Britney: Court Ordered Sobriety!

Tis a very tough week for the alcohol and drug industries, as Britney is ordered to be sober by a court during her child custody battle with Kevin Federline. Britney has to pass twice-weekly drug and alcohol tests for an indefinite period in order to retain custody of her children. This order has caused shock waves to ripple across the boardrooms of the major distillers, brewers and pharmaceutical companies as their accountants rush to restate projected earnings for the upcoming fiscal quarter and year ahead. Britney’s anticipated jump on to the wagon (I mean, is she really ready to trade her kids for a buzz?) is anticipated to cause layoffs of hundreds in bars, clubs, bodyguards, paparazzis, auto repair shops, brewpubs and even bail bondsmen. On a brighter note, Lindsay Lohan is rumored to have told her close friends that she is gearing up to fill the void left by Britney, and that has eased nervous markets somewhat. The Dow remains unchanged.

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Unfamous famous people

Last Thursday night Kevin Federline, more commonly known as Britney Spears’ ex, and Nicole Narain, who is Colin Farrell’s ex, were spotted getting cozy at two separate L.A. hot spots, according to People.

“They were dancing, she had her arms on his shoulder, she was clearly making advances,” an onlooker told People.

Well, this confirms it: you don’t have to be talented or even interesting to be famous today – in fact, being broken up with is a good enough reason to be followed around all day by the paparazzi. I never thought I’d say it, but I think these two are even less deserving of fame than Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie…

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