As Britney poses for paparazi while filling up with unleaded
You thought it couldn’t get worse, but you were so so wrong. You thought when she lost her kids last week, she would put down that jr. bacon cheeseburger, burp, swallow and say “oh crap! I better get my kids back, y’all!” There was no such revelation. TMZ was there at the scene of today’s cutody hearing and that’s unfortunately more than we can say for Brit. TMZ reports:
“K-Fed showed up in court. Brit wasn’t there. We just got a shot of Spears gassing up her SUV at a Shell gas station in the San Fernando Valley…[she] took her dog for a ride to get coffee.”
I hate to say it, but Kevin Federline might be this year’s most brilliant mastermind. We used to make so much fun of him with his bastard children, corn rows, and terrible rap debuts. Now he’s become the Celebrity Father of the Year. Which honestly isn’t hard to do when mommy’s a brainless baboon just passing time until her next Carl’s Jr. feeding.
Lou Pearlman is the man responsible for groups like the Backstreet Boys, *N Sync and just about every musical boy act you can think of. Pearlman loves him some young boys. According to interviews with his former associates, he loves them a little too well. Page Six says:
Steve Mooney said he once asked Pearlman, who was known as “Big Poppa,” what it would take for him to get into a band. “I’ll never forget this as long as I live. He leaned back in his chair, in his white terry cloth robe and white underwear, and spread his legs,” Mooney told Burrough. “And then he said, and these were his exact words, ‘You’re a smart boy. Figure it out.’ ” Mooney added that a singer groped by Pearlman told him, “Look, if a guy wants to massage me, and I’m getting a million dollars for it, you just go along with it. It’s the price you got to pay.”
Tim Christofore, a member of Take 5, recalls that during a sleepover at Pearlman’s house, the music czar swan-dived onto his and another boy’s bed and wrestled with them wearing only in a towel, which came off. “We were like, ‘Ooh, Lou, that’s gross.’ What did I know? I was 13,” Christofore told Vanity Fair.
Who could have guessed that there’s such a seedy underbelly to the business of exploiting young boys? In this case, a fat, sweaty underbelly barely covered by a bath towel.
Breaking news: One of Britney Spears’ former security guards Tony “Fat Tony” Barretto appeared in an L.A court on September 17th saying Spears was depressed, might do drugs, and spends too much money. In the recent issue, US weekly reports,
“She has mental problems. With her drug and booze issues, her home is no place for kids to be raised,” said Barretto.
What? Spears might be crazy and drinks too much? This is shocking, really, because I thought shaving your head, attacking paparazzi vehicles with bats, and sucking pacifiers was completely normal behavior. Come on Fat Tony, it’s like you just told us Lance Bass was gay. No shit.
But, I guess cheeto-muching, might-be-drug-doing, suicidal-thought-thinking, she-is-a-sucky-mother-press is better than no press. Her new single “Gimme More” is iTunes’ #3 song this week. It’s also iTunes’ #1 ringtone, and number 18 on “Radio & Records Top 40 National Airplay Chart” according to DMW Daily.
I just downloaded the song now, and, listening to it, I would never call Spears crazy. More like lyrical genius. “Gimme gimme more gimme more gimmie gimme more…” Pure poetry.
If you do one thing today, visit those folks over at Best Week Ever and watch this highly entertaining video of Kanye West after an appearance on the Wendy Williams Experience declaring he is “the number one human being in music.” Over and over again. With a slightly drunken slur. This far surpasses all other ridiculous statements that Kanye has ever made. It is a well known fact that hip hop artists are not known for their humility, but get a freaking grip, playah. The last time I checked, “Gold Digger” was your biggest hit and even that was a collaboration. In 2005.
Tony Barretto, the “secret witness” in the recent Spears/Federline custody hearing that ordered Spears to attend parenting classes and adhere to random drug testing, is coming forward with stories of erratic behavior, alleged drugging, and well, just more bizarre behavior. After being fired last May for failing to pick up Brit’s hat after she supposedly asked him to three times (he suffers from a mild loss of hearing), he swears his motivation for speaking out is not to get revenge. He is legitimately worried about the safety of the fallen pop star’s two small boys. According to the Daily Mail, “Fat Tony” was quoted as saying:
“She’s unpredictable. No one knows what she’ll do next. That’s what scared me. I don’t know what caused her screaming, whether it was drugs or mental instability. She’d be wailing, making no sense. It was worse at night.”
I can only imagine how Jayden and Sean feel, I mean this even makes me a little scared and I will never come withing 500 miles of the girl. Whether she’s skipping kid birthdays to party in Vegas, giving her 1-year old driving lessons in downtown LA, or taking qualudes before hopping on stage for VMA comeback performaces, I think everyone can agree that ms. Spears is not fit to raise a pet turtle, let alone two children. Thanks to Tony the deaf bodyguard for knocking some sense into this Los Angeles Judge. But let’s be honest, if she can’t bend down and pick up her own effing hat, the instructors over there at parenting school better be amazing miracle workers.
Court Says: Choose Your Buzz or Choose Your Children!
Tis a very tough week for the alcohol and drug industries, as Britney is ordered to be sober by a court during her child custody battle with Kevin Federline. Britney has to pass twice-weekly drug and alcohol tests for an indefinite period in order to retain custody of her children. This order has caused shock waves to ripple across the boardrooms of the major distillers, brewers and pharmaceutical companies as their accountants rush to restate projected earnings for the upcoming fiscal quarter and year ahead. Britney’s anticipated jump on to the wagon (I mean, is she really ready to trade her kids for a buzz?) is anticipated to cause layoffs of hundreds in bars, clubs, bodyguards, paparazzis, auto repair shops, brewpubs and even bail bondsmen. On a brighter note, Lindsay Lohan is rumored to have told her close friends that she is gearing up to fill the void left by Britney, and that has eased nervous markets somewhat. The Dow remains unchanged.
After a very public battle with the media and Kanye West, 50 Cent ultimately failed to outsell the rival hip-hop artist. Fiddy had vowed to end his solo career in defeat, but evidently that doesn’t matter. While cancelling several performances in Europe, Fiddy’s people claim it is simply a scheduling change and bears no significance in the matter. So is he quitting or not? E! reports that the rapper’s departure is doubtful at best.
[Fiddy] reportedly already has a dozen tunes that didn’t make it onto Curtis that have been earmarked for his next album, Before I Self-Destruct, due out in 2008.
In other words, Fiddy is a liar. No wonder he’s been shot so many times. This is just like not showing up for a fight, like when Sebastian Bach never showed up for his tussle with Axel Rose. How is it entertainers who make a living off of their street cred are allowed to wuss out in the public eye? Now we’re going to be subjected to twelve more songs that weren’t even good enough for the last album. Maybe Fiddy will just set his sights a little lower next year. Aaron Carter, he’s got your number.
Posh hotel wants nothing to do with Britney's hoi polloi behavior.
The downward spiral that is Britney Spears’ life continues to plunge even further. Her eccentric behavior has recently gotten her kicked out of the Chateau Marmont hotel restaurant. Spears was allegedly smearing food all over her face, which caused the other guests to demand action from the management. The Sun reports:
A source said: “The diners were disgusted. You wouldn’t expect that from a teenager in a fast-food joint.”"Royalty have dined in this restaurant. Her behaviour was totally unacceptable.”
I’m actually surprised the hotel let Britney enter in the first place considering how she’s been acting this past year. And of all the possible reasons for her to get thrown out of the building, it’s because she was putting food on her face. I imagine the moment of contact was immediately followed by some rich old lady fainting from shock and her monocled husband yelling, “well I’d never!” If only Paris and Lindsay were there, then maybe we might have had some Three Stooges-style pie throwing.
I don't think Christina has too much to fear with this goon in front.
As Christina Aguilera and husband Jordan Bratman were leaving a restaurant last Saturday, a lucky fan managed to get on the wrong side of a bodyguard. TMZ says:
A Venezuelan fan kept screaming in Spanish for Aguilera’s attention, but got no response — except for a smack in the face by her passing bodyguard!
The girl cried after the incident, telling TMZ, “I’m not crying because of her, I love her … I’m crying because one of her bodyguards hit me in the mouth.” She quickly got over it and was heard shouting, “I love fame” as she ran away.
Nothing like hitting a young girl and making her cry to show you mean business. I wouldn’t dare mess with Christina’s security. I hear they’re handpicked from the world’s toughest playgrounds. If you look at these goons the wrong way, they’ll shake you down and take your lunch money. That’s how tough they are.
What happens when your favorite star takes ALL the downers...?
After Britney’s MTV catatonic cakewalk yesterday, intense fighting broke out between the rival Quaalude and Oxycodone lobbying associations, as both groups simultaneously nominated Britney to their respective Downer Hall of Fame. Spokesman for the Quaalude lobby insisted that no drug other than theirs could account for Britney’s stupefying performance, while the Oxycodone PR flack dismissed that claim with a sarcastic snort. “Listen honey, a three day ‘lude binge looks like the Energizer bunny next to our juice - Britney’s clearly getting down with Oxy!” This one’s headed for court! Britney could not be aroused for a comment to clarify the controversy.
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