Love means never using the H-word
Nicole Kidman stops short of referring to her year-and-a-half marriage to Keith Urban as happy. The Daily Mail reports:
She told US magazine Interview: “You never know where something’s going.
“My husband and I are committed to each other and deeply in love.”
Told by the magazine interviewer that she and Urban appeared happy together, she replied: “I don’t ever say that.
What does she mean “deeply committed?” That sounds like you’re stuck with an expensive car that you no longer like but you’re in too much debt to the finance company to ever sell the piece of junk. The only thing left to do is park it in a bad neighborhood and hope it’s stolen.
The way Nicole sounds it seems the only thing left for her to do is park Urban near Pamela Anderson and let nature take its course.
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Has history of teaching dogs how to wave goodbye
It seems Iggy wasn’t the first adopted pup Ellen showed the door. The NY Post reports:
Kerri Randles [LA producer] says she gave DeGeneres a male mutt named Stormy two years ago, only to find out less than two months later that fickle Ellen had re-gifted him to a member of her staff.
DeGeneres may have passed along several other dogs over the years. Howard Stern said on his Sirius show that he’d heard she had done this nine times before.
What’s Ellen engaged in, dog smuggling? Pamela Anderson keeps husbands longer than Ellen keeps dogs.
Is she jealous because the dogs dance better or because they have more manageable hair?
I heard she doesn’t even make a dog feel at home. The name on the doggy bowl is only written in pencil.
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Rotund character actor kicks mystery habit
Actor John Goodman recently checked out of rehab after being treated for an undisclosed problem.
I wonder if it has anything to do with all those years of drinking body shots from Roseanne Barr’s navel. E Online:
The former Roseanne star managed to keep his rehab so low profile no one knew he was even in treatment until he announced his successful completion of the program.
“For my family and myself, I voluntarily took the necessary steps to remain sober the rest of my life,” the 55-year-old actor said in a statement issued by his publicist, Stan Rosenfield.
Whatever the addiction, it’s understandable. Who wouldn’t want to consume enough chemicals to blot out the memory of being in “The Flintstones”?
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Flattens photog's foot
Britney Three-Point-Turn Spears was back in the news after she steered her ride over the foot of one of Hollywood’s beloved paparazzi. TMZ reports:
With one hand attempting to cover her freshly acquired Jolie-esque lips, Spears attempted to exit the parking lot in her Pumpkinmobile while using her other hand to steer. As she tried to make a quick left, with paparazzi by her side, Spears’ tire ran over our sandal-wearing photog’s foot. Spears stopped the car, trapping our guy for what must have seemed like 4 hours. Ouch!
It’s just the latest in a series of traffic disasters for the porky pop princess. She’s basically al-Qaeda with power steering.
Meanwhile, Britney’s visitation privileges with her kids have been revoked until she complies with an unspecified court order. It’s anyone’s guess what the court order is. But my money’s on mandatory driving lessons
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Rapper to get his park maintenance on
Snoop Dogg will put down the microphone and pick up a rake and shovel on his way to a city park near you, if you live in Orange County, California, that is. It’s all part of the popular rapper’s attempt to make amends for being a very bad boy and showing up at the airport carrying a dangerous weapon (collapsible police baton). That little incident ended with Snoop pleading guilty to a felony. According to the Associated Press,
“The rapper, whose real name is Cordozar Calvin Broadus Jr., will do ‘everything from raking leaves to painting benches’ in order to meet the 160 hours of community service he was ordered to perform, said his attorney, Donald Etra.”
Park officials are worried about how they will deal with a possible crush of fans and paparazzi while animal rights activists are worried about how they will deal with an epidemic of park squirrels suffering from contact highs.
But don’t kid yourselves. Snoop’s gonna have his work cut out for him. How would you like to spend eight hours a day chasing George Michael and Senator Larry Craig out of the park men’s room?
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The hoff goes to hoffpital, er hospital
David Hasselhoff has once again succumbed to the evils of alcohol, and once again the devil’s brew has landed his suntanned behind in the hospital. According to E! Online,
“David Hasselhoff’s publicist confirmed that the former Baywatch star was hospitalized Tuesday after falling off the wagon.”Â
Exactly why he fell off the wagon this time I don’t know. Maybe there just wasn’t enough room on that wagon for both him and Lindsay Lohan. And why doesn’t this wagon have seatbelts?
Anyway the transgression supposedly happened while he was in Europe filming Anaconda 3. Well, mystery solved. If your next big career move involves Anaconda 3, maybe alcoholism is just a matter of time.
And what’s to become of his two teenage girls? He could very well lose custody. Those girls could be on their own, struggling to make ends meet, forced to take jobs babysitting Britney Spears’ kids or worse– babysitting Britney Spears.
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Even Jack Bauer can't get out of this one...
Kiefer Sutherland’s latest in a series of DUIs means he’s going to do real jail time. No cushy house arrest. A confused and disappointed Kiefer was heard asking, “Who do I have to make a sex tape with around here to get an ankle bracelet?”
Ever the trooper, Kiefer wants to continue with his hit TV show. As reported by E! Online, the producers of 24 released the following statement:
“Today our friend Kiefer Sutherland resolved his criminal case at the earliest opportunity. Kiefer made clear to us at the time of his arrest that his first concern was the welfare of those he worked with and that he intended to do whatever was necessary to prevent shutting down the show because of his situation. He told us that even if he had to sacrifice more time in custody in order to protect the show and the jobs of those who work with him, he would do so.”
Producers of 24 will cleverly work Kiefer’s incarceration into the show’s storyline. For example, in the exciting season opener Kiefer’s character, Jack Bauer, is kidnapped by a terrorist cell known as the Parrot Heads who torture him day and night at their secret headquarters in Margaritaville.
But Kiefer has apologized for the embarrassment his arrest has caused, and has promised to straighten out his life. He says his moment of clarity came one morning when he woke up… in an alley… next to David Hasselhoff. And Nick Nolte had stolen his shoes.
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Loses Kids, Gains Mother
Britney Spears had her first visit with her sons Monday since losing custody. She spent Monday coloring in a coloring book, catching bugs, and building sand castles and THEN it was time for her visit with her children.
E! Online said,
“A nanny who has also been spotted at K-Fed’s house accompanied the boys to their mom’s Malibu manse and stayed the afternoon, as per the court’s order.”
Britney’s visits are always supervised. A judge said she can’t be left alone with the kids. Kind of like Kirstie Alley with cheesecake.
She’s also gotten back together with her mom. Well, that makes sense. Now that K-Fed isn’t around, SOMEBODY has to do the laundry.
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But What Really Happened Behind Those Walls?
Rumors are circulating about how Lindsay Lohan spent her time at Utah’s Cirque Lodge Treatment Center. Supposedly, she had flings with several guys. Let me guess– Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, and Johnnie Walker.
While she was in rehab she also reconciled with her Father-of-The-Year, Michael, which makes you wonder just how sober she was.
E! Online quoted him as saying,
“I’m so blessed to have her back.”
I think the full quote was, “I’m so blessed to have her back. I was running a little low for this weekend and I think the Jets can cover the spread.”
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Actress Has the Look of Money
According to Forbes.com, Jennifer Aniston’s face on a magazine will sell more copies than any other celebrity’s mug. More than even Angelina Jolie who came in fourth. Fourth? I don’t get it. She’s bisexual. Wouldn’t that mean she’d sell twice as much?
You know who came in second? Jennifer’s ex and Angelina’s current flame Brad Pitt. Forbes.com’s analysts said Brad’s strong finish was due to his good looks, box office charm, and the fact that Clay Aiken has been seen purchasing every available Brad Pitt cover to use as bedroom wallpaper.
Some of the worst-selling celebrity covers belonged to Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, Though I understand they’re still widely circulated in some of our better federal penitentiaries.
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