And Rumor Willis oughta know!
It’s hard work being a celebrity offspring. It might just be the toughest job on earth. Rumor Willis, eldest daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore reminds us that although it looks like fun and games bouncing from club to club with ms. Lindsay “barely-conscious” Lohan, it’s actually an arduous 24-hour job. Seriously now, for lay-people like you and I that actually does sound a bit exhausting. But these kids have access to the finest medicine that money can buy - you know, the kind that keeps you awake when you’ve been working (read: drinking vodka crans) into the wee hours of the night. So what’s the big whoop? She recently told People Magazine:
“Before I started working, I would have said, ‘You know, it’s not really fair, because I didn’t choose this.’ But when you decide to be a part of this profession and put yourself out there, then you kind of have to accept what it is.”
And by “working” of course she means taking Daddy’s credit card to Bloomies and wreaking havok in the designer jean department. Take a load off, girl!
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As 98% of pollers misread the question
According to US Magazine a survey of 600 Americans shows that this kid-obsessed couple is the most popular celebrity ’stume of 2007. What a sad sad Halloween year this is. I mean, there are so many other great costume ideas out there. Baby Jessica just recently had her 20th anniversary of falling into the well. I can’t begin to explain the places you could go with that one. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, the stoic pretty couple too good for the universe, exude less humor than an Allstate commercial and have no place at a Halloween rager. I guess if you have a band of midgets on hand…and maybe a fifth of vodka…you could potentially cook up something interesting.
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And calls it a music video
TMZ has captured a sweet little videoof Heidi Montag and boyfriend Spencer Pratt doing what they do best - acting like raging morons. On the video you will witness Montag frolicking in the tide, lip sinking her new song, and rubbing her bikini-clad awkward body in a very un-sexy way as Pratt captures it all on video. Yep, with the camera in one hand and a boom box in the other, he’s the one-man camera crew, hoping this complex videography will attract millions of viewers. The great tragedy that afflicts this duo is that they take themselves so seriously. She really believed that a couple of new knockers and a smaller schnoz is going to buy her a music career. And he thinks, well, I’m not convinced he actually does. These two would have been perfect candidates for a scandalous sex tape if they weren’t both so blatantly unattractive and un-famous.
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And the bitches over at Mutts and Moms are not pleased
If you haven’t been following the saga, let me catch you up. Star adopts dog, star’s cats hate dog, star gives dog away to hairdresser (violation of adoption agreement), shelter swoops in to take back dog, star pleads on national television to give it back. Prime time TNT never saw drama like this! It seems as though the adoption agency, Mutts and Moms, has been receiving death threats from psychotic Ellen fans and yet for some idiodic reason they still refuse to return the dog to the hairdresser’s care. Because sticking a dog back in a cage is way more humane than leaving him at some rich family’s house! Duh!! They agency’s attorney, Keith A. Fink tells Fox News:
“It’s never gonna happen. There is more of a chance that the Yankees are going to win the World Series this year.”
Apparently, the two Mutts and Moms owners just don’t want this dog to have a home…at all costs. Maybe they’re just pissed because the canine’s haircuts cost more than their monthly salary. Or maybe they just really hate dogs and this is just a part time gig while they get their online degree from DeVry University.
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Here's to hoping that the kids have hearing problems...
Her Marc Jacobs luggage is packed, her first class ticket booked, and Paris Hilton is gearing up for her trip to Rwanda, where she will do a 5-day charity mission with the Playing for Good organization. Because no one spreads STDs good the way Paris does. Ok Magazine reports:
Paris’ five-day trek to the African country, where she will visit clinics and schools, will be filmed with the hopes of selling it as a reality show titled The Philanthropist.
I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that Paris is going to be speaking to impressionable young children, or that we may be subjected to it on television. “What’s up children of Africa! I’m here to talk to you about stuff, super fun stuff! Little dogs are super cute and they will totally fit into your Luis Vuitton bag, so ask your parents for one, kay?? Also, when you grow up don’t ever have sex with Rick Salomon if there’s a videotape nearby, that’s really important to remember. Hmm, what else? The Halloween party at Pure is going to be so hot, you should totally ask your parents if you can go. Wait, are there direct flights to Vegas? Try not to sit in coach, it smells bad! Wheeeee! I’m doing good! Byeeee!”
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Who?
Anna Chlumsky, 26, was Macaulay Culkin’s little friend who couldn’t save him from the bees in the 1991 tearjerker, My Girl. If you remember this movie you probably feel very very old right now. Anyway, she’s engaged to Shaun So, some Army reserve guy. Why this actually made the news is completely beyond me. But People.com claims it’s number 2 on the Top 5 most read stories of the week. I’d like some documented proof of that. Anyway, People reports:
My Girl fans may be distraught, but Chlumsky says it’s unlikely her old costar Culkin will attend. “I don’t have his address,” she said.
Then she actually goes on to talk about the details of the Catholic/Chinese ceremony. For the love of god, let’s talk about what’s really important here. What do you think dear old Anna is more upset about: the fact that her acting career peaked at age 10 (in a Macaulay Culkin movie no less) or that she’s stuck with either Chlumsky or So as her last name?
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Or just a really good agent that gets her sweet deals
Jessica Simpson, the acne-less face of Proactiv, will appear in infomercials once again. Page Six reports that the pop star has renewed her one year contract with the skincare company for a whopping $3 million. C’mon, Proactiv! Do we really need insecure pubescent teenagers around the country believing Jessica Simpson once had a pizza-face too? And all she did was rub some chemicals on her cheeks and boom! she’s pretty enough to sleep with John Mayer? (Wait, who isn’t?) She probably had the occasional pimple like every other normal person in the world that likes fast food and pepperoni pizza. That’s like asking Jennifer Aniston to be the spokesperson for Jenny Craig because she dropped from a size 4 to a 0. Man, what a heffer she once was.
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And the snaggle-toothed, mullet-sporting rednecks of the world rejoice
Sexy not only came back this year, it was apparently redefined. Esquire magazine has named Charlize Theron this year’s sexiest woman in the world. Because nothing says sexy like an overgrown mullet, teeth that a dentist wouldn’t touch, and a 42mm pointed at your face. But seriously, it is amazing what some make-up, an expensive salon cut, and a monthly gym membership can do. Or what the reverse can do. I mean, if we all let ourselves go the way that Charlize did for her Academy Award-winning role in 2003’s Monster, could we also be this repulsive? It’s a frightening thought. And get ready for an existential moment, folks. Who is the real Charlize? Is she the blond, bronzed beauty who frolicks in her bikini on white sand beaches? Or is she Aileen Wuornos, Daytona Beach prostitute turned serial killer. She’s already proven she can go both ways. Now that is sexy!
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And according to loud mouth mom-Lo, make that a double
Toss the Lunesta, folks, it’s time to bid farewell to those sleepless night of wondering whether all the ”bump alerts” were true. US Magazine has confirmed what everyone already suspected (and what no one really cares about)…that J Lo is preggers with husband Marc Anthony’s child.
“Its a dream come true,” a Lopez source tells US. “She and Marc are over the moon.”
This will be baby number one for 38-year old Jennifer Lopez and number four for her Latin lover, who has three children from a previous marriage. Apparently, mom Lopez has spilled the beans, blabbing that the happy couple is having twins, information that the folks over at PETA can only pray is not true. One baby swaddled in endangered fox fur onesies and strapped in a crocodile leather baby bjorn is bad enough. But two??
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As Britney poses for paparazi while filling up with unleaded
You thought it couldn’t get worse, but you were so so wrong. You thought when she lost her kids last week, she would put down that jr. bacon cheeseburger, burp, swallow and say “oh crap! I better get my kids back, y’all!” There was no such revelation. TMZ was there at the scene of today’s cutody hearing and that’s unfortunately more than we can say for Brit. TMZ reports:
“K-Fed showed up in court. Brit wasn’t there. We just got a shot of Spears gassing up her SUV at a Shell gas station in the San Fernando Valley…[she] took her dog for a ride to get coffee.”
I hate to say it, but Kevin Federline might be this year’s most brilliant mastermind. We used to make so much fun of him with his bastard children, corn rows, and terrible rap debuts. Now he’s become the Celebrity Father of the Year. Which honestly isn’t hard to do when mommy’s a brainless baboon just passing time until her next Carl’s Jr. feeding.
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