Britney: Court Ordered Sobriety!

Tis a very tough week for the alcohol and drug industries, as Britney is ordered to be sober by a court during her child custody battle with Kevin Federline. Britney has to pass twice-weekly drug and alcohol tests for an indefinite period in order to retain custody of her children. This order has caused shock waves to ripple across the boardrooms of the major distillers, brewers and pharmaceutical companies as their accountants rush to restate projected earnings for the upcoming fiscal quarter and year ahead. Britney’s anticipated jump on to the wagon (I mean, is she really ready to trade her kids for a buzz?) is anticipated to cause layoffs of hundreds in bars, clubs, bodyguards, paparazzis, auto repair shops, brewpubs and even bail bondsmen. On a brighter note, Lindsay Lohan is rumored to have told her close friends that she is gearing up to fill the void left by Britney, and that has eased nervous markets somewhat. The Dow remains unchanged.

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